Fightin' Round the World

All right. So I decided I'm just going to spill it. I've already told plenty of people anyway so it's only right that I confess just how much I dislike Russell Crowe.

Don't get me wrong. I love Gladiator just like anybody else. He's a good actor. But he's a dick, plain and simple.

One of the first people I met at my new hotel job where I worked for almost 5 years was a blonde girl with big boobs and a big heart. She is now one of my very best friends, and I live with her currently in my new city. She is one the nicest people ever and everybody loves her. She's great at her job and when I first started she was a supervisor and eventually was promoted to run the front office. She and I have lots of stories together regarding guests, good and bad, but this was by far the worst.

One Sunday I came into work expecting to have an easy day as Sundays usually were. You get a shitload checkouts (which means a shitload of complaints), but very few checkins normally. What I didn't realize was that Russell Crowe's band who was playing a few shows nearby that week (you know the one) had a large following, some of the most pathetic type of fans I'd ever seen. For four straight hours I "dealt" these ladies who were trying to check in but because it was well before checkin time and not everybody had checked out yet, and we certainly hadn't cleaned all the rooms yet, plus the linen wasn't ready, and everybody arrived at once, well it was a bit of a mess. The most frustrating part was that it turns out these ladies were sleeping four to a room. That's not the frustrating part. They didn't even know each other! They had met on the internet through some fan club website and decided to split a room. I'm not sure when the last time these people traveled, but some were literally wearing housecoats if that gives you any idea.
Because his band was playing so nearby to our hotel of course these ladies wanted to know if HE was staying with us. I knew he was, but it is (for future reference) illegal for me to give any information about any guest. I only tell this story now because after that day he made it pretty fucking clear he was staying there.

This guy decides to flaunt that he's staying at my hotel. He makes it no secret whatsoever what room staying he's in, and my coworkers and I spend the next day fighting with the ladies that 'no, they cannot not move to his floor to be nearer to him.' One lady even made a shrine of the Australian fuck on her hotel door which we made her remove. Not only that, but pretty quickly these freaks are not getting along. Imagine that! They're kicking each other out of their rooms and people are crying everywhere. But the show they exclaim is amazing. They can't wait to go the one tomorrow!

So us hotel people are looking forward to the day these people are going to check out. Oh no! Russell has added two more shows at the end of the week! Did the fact that they had flights to catch deter them from staying? Yeah, right. In one instance one lady asked me to make a reservation for the end of the week. She was still going to fly home BUT Russell had asked her personally to come back and so she was. I totally believed her too because here he was prancing around and loving the attention. Why wouldn't he ask his fans to spend thousands of dollars on last minute flights and hotel reservations to see him?

Here's where he goes over the top. Every night after his show he makes the venue cater to him hours after the show has ended when they are basically closed. Sources tell me he was getting wasted every night. This is around the time his wife is pregnant with their first child. He did call her everyday at least, as I could tell by his bill. (How tempted was I to sell that phone number!)

So one night (assumingly the venue got sick of him and shut him down) he decides he's going to have our hotel host his little after-party. My friend happened to be the overnight manager that night. When he stumbles back to the hotel he demands 25 hamburgers (for like 4 people), a bottle of Jack and a case of Coronas. The thing is, it was well after the legal time to sell liquor. She had to make a decision. Piss off an A-list actor or piss off the Bar manager who would fear losing his liquor license. What would you do? Well, the other problem she had was that she couldn't get to the locked-up cold beer. She could only find some warm beer, so she iced it down as best she could and hoped it was cold enough. She went up with the room service server as a good manager should to deliver everything.

Russell Crowe took one long sip of beer and looked at her in disgust. "Congratulations on getting the hamburgers up here, but this beer tastes like piss! You can forget the $100 I was going to tip."

Little did he know she wouldn't have gotten the tip, he only screwed our server.

6 months later Russell Crowe threw a phone a New York hotel concierge. The concierge sued and won. Good for him.

My elevator story

Every hotel I have worked at has had an elevator. Even my little Travelodge by the highway with 3 floors had an elevator. People, maintaining these things are a bitch. But not as messed up as maintaining swimming pools. (I'll leave those stories for another post.)

But elevators are necessary so of course the hotel pays a small fortune for elevator repairmen to do maintenance, keep it currently certified, and fix them when they break down. And they always break down.

My last hotel, my funky urban hotel, had 5 elevators. Four were for guests and one for us employees. I always hate the service elevator by the way. Think about it, garbage and food getting transported by the same elevator? Ew. (Don't worry, soiled linens have a chute and do not go anywhere but straight to the laundry. Along with all the lost teddy bears, nightgowns, underwear, and other stuff that people leave in their beds. Oops.)

So I'll get to the point. Most of the time elevators stop working, people are in them. If it's a busy weekend and one malfunctions, well, what are the odds? Of course the hotel always comps them and kisses their ass, whatever has to be done, because for those claustrophobes (and opportunists) it can be a bit of a nightmare for the hotel. But honestly, us hotel workers are rolling our eyes, like, not again.

(Elevators are mostly on lifts these days, so it's not like Speed where the cable's going to snap and everybody goes crashing down. That would suck.)

So when I got stuck in an elevator on vacation I just sat down and hung out. I was at a sister property, I was by myself and felt pretty safe, just annoyed because the bar wasn't going to be open too much longer.

Well, half an hour went by. This elevator is covered in mirrors so it's hard not to pose and make weird faces. The hotel kept in contact with me telling me finally that they had to call the fire department and they were on their way.

When they arrived I realized that they were coming in through the roof. I was going to get rescued movie star style! So some hot sexy fireman (I assumed) sent a ladder down and one climbed down so he could hold it steady. For a brief moment I panicked. Not because of the ladder per se, but I was wearing a dress! I scurried up and two firemen helped me cross from the roof and climb out the shaft. A security lady started apologizing profusely.

I said, "I'm OK. Is the bar still open?"

She laughs, "Oh, I knew you were all right. We had you on camera. We'll keep the bar open a little longer for you."

Fuck!

Tip your bellman please

I've only worked at hotels for a million years and I am just now finding out how bellman make their money. Obviously people tip them. But I'm talking about the money that keeps them doing the bellman/doorman thing for life.

I always wondered about my last Bell Captain. He had like a family of five to feed, and I never saw him actually escort guests to or from their room. Yeah, he'd do stuff like check bags or whatever. He wasn't lazy or anything like that. He just delegated.

So how the hell do you feed all these mouths on $15/hour and a random $2 tip?
I was talking to an old friend who used to be a bellman and a doorman and who just got a new job as a bell captain and what do you know? Bellman get paid to do just about everything. If the front desk has to move a guest for any reason and the bellman has to bring new keys, the hotel is paying them to do that! Not all hotels, but the big ones do.

Another way they make cash is by porterage charges. This one I knew. If a couple who is getting married has their people stay at a hotel, and they want to have some gift bags delivered (and your damn right that if there any "extra" gift bags the hotel workers will distribute them amongst themselves unless they're lame bags filled with bottles of sparkling cider as opposed to champagne) there is a charge per bag for the bellman to deliver them. Or if a big tourist group that's coming in on a bus or something, and they are going to have 100 pieces of luggage, the bellman will get so much per bag to deliver. That makes sense, right? What doesn't make sense is that my friend who now works at this huge hotel said that last year the biggest delivery charge was $19,000. American money! Who has almost 20 grand laying around just to pay bellman???

Anyway, the other way they make their living is to basically extort it. My friend paid for his promotion at our last place! Bellman make good money but doormen make a shitload! When someone drives a flashy car they are not going to have it parked where no one can see it. That's ludicrous! They are going to pay the doorman to "leave it up front." That's easily understood I guess. But to get that job someone basically has to die or get fired. When my friend saw his opportunity for the doorman job he paid our Bell Captain $200 to get the job! Yeah, I know! Was my friend upset? No. Did my Bell Captain take his family out to Red Lobster that night? Probably.

But this does mean that you should not tip! They make like $5/hour like a server. No tips, no rent getting paid, and then they will have to resort to robbing people. And it will be your fault.

Just a heads up

Do you ever wonder what happens to your car when you valet it?

Sometimes the company has to park it a few blocks away. Sometimes they "leave it up front" for a little while maybe as a coutesy, which should be highly tipped for, or maybe cause they're being lazy.

Sometimes these guys get you a damn parking ticket and don't say a word.

Also, the guys they've got parking cars are either young or foreign. If there is a new scratch or dent, it probably was them. If your change is missing or worse, well...

But the worst things that can happen sometimes do. The following things have happened:

- a car got backed into a building.

-keys were left in the ignition of a very expensive automobile, car stolen.

-two indentical rental cars were given to the wrong people.

-a set of keys was left in a car that had already headed home. The driver was four hours away before he realized. Mucho money was paid out.

So I'm just sayin, if you must valet, for the love of God, keep a spare set of keys on you, have car insurance, and don't leave valuables in your car.

The rat, the girl, and the hallway

My new job doesn't allow for nearly enough free time to browse the internet let alone blog about hotels. It's a shame because I often experience things that remind me of my past hotel life. Without getting into too much detail I am working for the same company that I worked for 5 years ago, but I'm getting some of the exact same guests I got for the past 4.5 years. (I know that doesn't make much sense.)

So I will be getting into some celeb stories soon, believe me I dying to tell, but I am just being careful and thinking about how I'm going to publish them without getting anyone pissed off.

For now, you can take a little journey with me as I recall cornering a rat.

I mentioned my boyfriend is a hotel person? I think so. We got to live at his new resort, the same one where the drunk couple stole a golf cart and got arrested for a DUI.
So this same resort is kinda in the middle of nowhere. I was enjoying my last few days of hanging by the pool and using the sauna. I was walking down the hall when I pass a couple who mentioned there was a rat, not a mouse, in the hall. They were so blase that it took me a minute to register. I walked a bit farther and sure enough a rat, not a mouse, was sniffing around. This is by no means a dirty hotel. I jogged towards it to grab the nearest house phone and call my friend, who was the manager at the time, to let them know. The rat, not a mouse, ran away from me and I realized I could just keep walking towards it until it dead ended. I did that, and this is a very long hallway might I add, and it found a way into the game room. I just stood there in the doorway with a threatening look on my face. At no point did I think I had the option to just walk away. Nobody besides that first couple was witnessing this. It was just me and the rat, you know? He was scared of me. I just felt bad because I knew he got in by accident and we both sensed his ultimate demise.

I didn't wait around while the guys who came decided what to do. I had done my part. I had kept the hotel from comping a shit load of people.

The EVIL department

Well, it's happened. I am working at a hotel again. I am not in "operations" which is where all the action takes place, but I'm sure some good stories will come out of this job. However, from what I can tell, this is by far the most smoothly run hotel I have encountered. Ever.

So I am now in the "evil" department. Sales. In every hotel I've worked at the front office abhorrs the sales department. Sales are the spawns of Satan in fact. They book all this business, which is good, but then they get to leave. And the front office is stuck dealing with the egos and the very specific demands that all front office agents can't stand.

Some of our favorite requests:

Late check outs - anyone who's on vacation and has a late flight does not want to vacate the room at the stated time. I get it. I understand. We don't care that you ask. We just care that you don't understand why we say no when we do.
I promise its not because we're mean and find it amusing to kick you out (well, we kind of do want you to leave if you've been a particularly handful of a guest like the guy who complained that the elevator certificate expired two months ago and we should probably look into that) but its because other people need to check in. Housekeeping are people too, with lives even, and don't want to be cleaning rooms til 9:00pm at night.
Anyway, the second we say it's going to be a fee all of the sudden the person is cool with leaving on time, which is noon and is not all that early. Oh, and we'll store your bags. If a hotel doesn't offer at least that then you are getting screwed and/or staying at a Motel 8. (I once had a hotel store a hard cover of a jeep I had rented. That's service!)

Early check in - I don't know of a hotel that won't check you in early if there is a room available. But the only way to guarantee it is to to buy the room for the night before. Hotels are a business. Shocking, I know. If they can sell every room, and have everyone actually show up, it's called a perfect sell. It rarely happens. And yet, people don't understand why when they requested an early check in (key word is request) that it may not happen. This goes for all requests actually. You know why we can't guarantee anything? Because people are self-absorbed flakes. If a person wants to stay another day and the hotel is sold out, we can't force them on to the street. This happens a lot, especially in convention cities.

Oh, I should mention what a "walk situation" is now. I personally can't get over the shock and anger some people go through when they get walked.

So, like I said, people are flakes. So hotels purposely oversell their hotels in order to try and sell out. I am not exaggerating when I say my last hotel averaged like 5 no-shows a night. And these people put down credit cards! I know, it's weird. So when all the peeps actually show up, the hotel is like shit, we have to walk someone. Guess what, the hotel is paying on this one. And if you have another night to spend, you will get treated like royalty upon your return (if the hotel knows what it's doing.) Um, I'm game if someone wants to bump me somewhere and pay for it.

The problem is when either the guest is not paying, maybe their company is, and its late and they just want to go to bed. Tired and cranky people? NO thank you. Or the person had some kind of plans revolving around our hotel and it fucks up their world. This is what happened to me the first time I walked a lady. She started crying because all her friends were staying there and it was like their annual girls trip or something. Anywho, shit happens. It sucks, but life will go on.

When I was an agent I was always trying to be helpful. There was this lady who booked a suite and was having some sort of party. OK, fine. She wanted to know exactly which suite it was. I assigned a room and told her. Fast forward two weeks and she checks in, but it's not the suite I assigned. She asks for the manager. Who moved her suite? Apparently she had printed the room number on the invitations. Now, she was in the exact same kind of room, BUT it was a different floor. Now my manager and the lady are pissed at me. Fuck, I was trying to help. But the people in the original suite stayed another day and it all got rearranged. Yeah, this is why we dont guarantee anything. It's impossible.

Not too long ago my friend who's a manager at a hotel had a guy who was staying a lot while he was shooting a new TV show. He was making a lot of last minute reservations. He calls one day and needs a suite on a day they are sold out of suites. He refuses to take a standard room. My friend says that's his only option. He threatened to call the CEO of the company who is a friend of his. Guess what? He did. He got his suite and some poor couple or family probably got bumped. Fucker.

Anyway, the whole point is that hotel Sales departments get all this business and have all these signed contracts and sometimes they involve getting someone a free upgrade or something, but in the end they are not dealing with it. So I'm a sucky sales person now. But I don't have to work weekends, or holidays, or overnights...

My First DB

OK. I wasn't there. I haven't actually seen a dead body besides at a funeral. There is nothing funny about it. I am not relating the story for amusement but for the sheer fact that it is something that happens.

I was working at Travelodge. I was out of town this particular weekend, and my roommate was nice enough to work a double to cover for me.

Since there was always wacky people staying with us, I gave a call on my drive home that Sunday to ask how the weekend went.

Me: Any crazy shit happen this weekend?

Roommate: Actually...well...I checked in this guy last night.

Me: What's wrong? You sound weird. (My roommate was one of those people that was never shocked.)

R: I checked this guy in to 313. He, uh, Gus had to call an ambulance last night. (Gus was our overnight manager with diabetes who ate too much chocolate, and we were afraid he was going to lose a foot any day.)

Me: Gus went to the hospital? (My first thought is: Poor, roomie. He must have gotten called in to work or something.)

R: Noooo. He had to call 911 for room 313. Apparently the guy called down and asked him to call an ambulance because he was bleeding.

I mentioned in a previous post that my boss was a doctor waiting to start his residency.

Me: Well, what happened? Is he OK?

R: Gus called Rameez after he called 911, and Rameez came right away. When Rameez went to check out the room...it was covered in blood.

Me: Like how much? (I'd never heard my roommate sound so freaked out.)

R: Like the entire room. Floor to ceiling. There was a broken coffee pot in the sink. Rameez says he thinks the guy tried commit suicide with the broken glass and may have lost about 80% of his blood.

Me: (Silent)

I am stunned. I'm like 20 years old and barely even able to understand the concept of death really. When I get back to work the next day my roommate and Rameez are cleaning "the room." (This is a small hotel and the housekeeping sucks, asking them to clean blood would be like asking them to sing showtunes or something.)

I finally see Rameez and he's wearing one of those surgical type masks. He looks tired.

Me: So...he lost a lot of blood?

Rameez: There was a lot of broken glass in the room from the coffee pot it seems. (He gets quiet.) I don't think he could have lived.

Room 313 was out of order for 2 months.